I'm Effy & I write.

posting this for you all. (body love, from letters don’t talk by mary lambert )

i know girls who are trying to fit into the social norm
like squeezing into last year’s prom dress
i know girls who are low rise, mac eyeshadow, and binge drinking
i know girls that wonder if they’re disaster and sexy enough to fit in
i know girls who are fleeing bombs from the mosques of their skin
playing russian roulette with death; it’s never easy to accept
that our bodies are fallible and flawed
but when do we draw the line?
when the knife hits the skin?
isn’t it the same thing as purging,
because we’re so obsessed with death,
some women just have more guts than others
the funny thing is women like us don’t shoot
we swallow pills, still wanting to be beautiful at the morgue,
still proceeding to put on make-up,
still hoping that the mortician finds us fuckable and attractive
we might as well be buried with our shoes,
and handbags and scarves, girls
we flirt with death everytime we etch a new tally mark
into our skin
i know how to split my wrists like a battlefield too
but the time has come for us to
reclaim our bodies
our bodies deserve more than to be war-torn and collateral,
offering this fuckdom as a pathetic means to say,
“i only know how to exist when i’m wanted”
girls like us are hardly ever wanted you know
we’re used up and sad and drunk and
perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up
and tell us that we did good
You did good.
( i know i am because i said am, my body is home)
so try this
take your hands over your bumpy lovebody naked
and remember the first time you touched someone
with the sole purpose of learning all of them
touched them because the light was pretty on them
and the dust in the sunlight danced the way your heart did
touch yourself with a purpose
your body is the most beautiful royal
fathers and uncles are not claiming your knife anymore
are not your razor, no
put the sharpness back
lay your hands flat and feel the surface of scarred skin
i once touched a tree with charred limbs
the stump was still breathing
but the tops were just ashy remains,
i wonder what it’s like to come back from that
sometimes i feel a forest fire erupting from my wrists
and the smoke signals sent out are the most beautiful things
i’ve ever seen
love your body the way your mother loved your baby feet
and brother, arm wrapping shoulders, and remember,
this is important:
you are worth more than who you fuck
you are worth more than a waistline
you are worth more than any naked body could proclaim
in the shadows, more than a man’s whim
or your father’s mistake
you are no less valuable as a size 16, than a size 4 
you are no less valuable as a 32A than a 36C,
your sexiness is defined by concentric circles within your wood;
wisdom
you are a goddamn tree stump with leaves sprouting out:
reborn

Dear Will,
3 days ago its been 1 year since you’re gone. Every time you cross my mind… Like you ever get out of it, my chest hurts. You won’t ever come over for cuddles. We won’t ever be able to burn the food we’re making. I’m left here. You left. I’m lonely. Agony. I just do not know.
I miss you so much. I’m left with a best friend who’s so.. Well.. I’m so disenchanted. He’s not you. Or anything like you. He replaced me in an instant honestly. I don’t think he realises who I am, how I am. To him, I’m whiny little girl. He doesn’t understand that I have an eating disorder. I can’t just eat. I can’t be “happy” by just trying. I’m depressed. I told him that already. I’m damaged. Vulnerable. Paranoid. And I thought that he’d accept me like that. Who was I even fooling besides myself? I’m so pathetic Will. Hoping he’ll understand that I can’t ignore the voices I hear. I can’t ignore how sad I am and I so don’t enjoy life like someone without depression. Why can’t he just wake up and see this? Today I told Richard to fuck off because he said he was a shit best friend and would replace me anyways. I don’t want to accept that and Richard didnt shut up about it and I.. Let him down again. He was mad because I choose Sezer over him like that. I know Richard for SO long. He was there, calling with me for 6 hours when I was crying over Tati. And Sezer just goes to sleep when he’s sleepy. He says he can’t keep his eyes open? Will.. Do you remember how you’d even come over after your flight from dads? 14 hours of traveling from the other side of the world and you’d still come over and stay up all night. I miss your piggy nose. And your soft ass warm brown hair and your pale skin. Sweet smile. Huge hands. Your shoes. You wearing my bra. Oh. It was so much fun. It made me happy. And now.. It’s empty. How could I ever dare to set him in your place? He’ll let me fall just like that. I don’t matter a lot to him. If I’d leave him he’d be fine with it.
Remember me coming to the airport with you in May vacation and I had to tell mum I had fallen asleep in the underground and went to The Hague by accident and was thus out of money on my bus card? When I had gone to the airport and was out of money because I used my money in the card when taking the bus instead of train back..
I miss it all too much. This hurts so much. Baby.. Soon, I’ll be with you.
I love you. - your best friend.

dear Will

Oh. It’s almost a year now since you’re gone. I didn’t realise time was going by so quickly. I remember your laughter like it was yesterday. I wish I could pretend like it didn’t hurt. But it does, mate. I’ll tell you somewhat about my ‘new & better’ life. 

I’ve a new best friend. He’s a panda just like you, boo. He’s really great. Really caring.  I kinda did replace you, yes. But after a month or two, I realised I just had to. Back to him, he’s so close to perfect. We have our fights now and then. I do my best to be enough for him. School is a living hell Willie. I got bullied the first weeks. Same old shit. Just more intense and hardcore than ever. It’s much less now. I’ll live with it I guess. 

Nothing is the same Will. Even mum changed towards me, everyone changed, everything changed. I don’t know if I like it better this way. I miss having you in my life. My best friend can be fucking great, perfect, bonny, pretty, amazing, funny, charming, and bubbly but, it’s not you. With you there was no ‘I should go sleep now’. There was no ‘I cant call right now’. There was no limits, and most important of all; I didn’t feel like I was bothering you. You needed me as much as I needed you, but he doesn’t. If I leave him, he’ll be just as fine. I don’t know if I like that or not, Will. It feels like I’m gonna follow your and Liv’s path. Everything gets too much. He won’t be too upset when I’m gone you know, if. However, I need him to need me because I need him too. I wanna make his life a little better. The fact I don’t matter that much after all kinda haunts me. 

About my dad, though. Still the same old cliche but then a little more dramatic, it’s funny. He hates and loves me at the same fucking time as always. He can make me smile but you know, he still enjoys making my life miserable. Mum stopped hitting me. I guess that’s good. The voices are back again. 

There are so many things I need to tell you besides all these, I cook much better than before now. I won’t burn the cookies that I’d be making, but then again you’re not there anymore. You’re gone.

Oh, snap. I’m crying again. It’s so hard to say this but I miss you so much. Everything is so fucked up. Please come here and get me out of this town. Get me out of this country. Let’s go somewhere where no one can find us. I want to be away from everyone. Yes, everyone. I’m tired. I need someone to save me right now Will. 

Why the fuck did you have to go? Why the fuck couldn’t you try harder? Wasn’t my friendship good enough after all? I just can’t stand the fact you’re gone.

How the fuck could you leave me? I love you, boo. I’ll never ever forget you. Never.

love, Effy.